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"Chubby girls are better because they always smell like cupcakes!"
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in megsbrightstar's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, September 2nd, 2007
12:30 pm
I guess I'll write to show that I'm still alive.
I've been considering becoming a vegetarian a long time now. I experimented with it a little while I was still at home (I'm at school now) and thought it would be easy enough. But I can't become one now anyway. I've eaten fast food everyday but two in the last week or more (eek! So unhealthy... I know). Seeing how much I'm going to be relying upon fast food, and how there aren't many vegetarian meals at the restaurants, I will be unable to go vegetarian. Anyway, I can't imagine living without cheeseburgers!
I don't know if it's because I've been feeling lonely or what, but I'm always really hungry these days. Even when I come back from eating a meal, I start to feel hungry just an hour later. I gobbled down an entire bag of doritos in half an hour Friday night. I went grocery shopping for my dorm last weekend. I'm completely stocked up now. I bought lots frozen, pre-made meals, materials for making sandwiches, a bunch of cereal, chips, crackers, ice cream, a box of snickers, fruit, cookies, and soda. My mom gave me a card to both Costco and Sam's Club, so I plan on buying things in bulk for cheap prices (for example, a box of two dozen candy bars).
Eating at the dining hall/cafeteria is fun too. The food is only mediocre, but over-eating seems to be the thing to do in college. Here, it's unusual for someone not to pile their plate up with all sorts of things, and it's weird to not eat dessert.
Plus, there are a lot of good restaurants all around my dorm, with some 24 hour gas stations nearby as well. I'm developing a habit of picking up a bag of Krispy Kreme doughnut holes before coming back into my room from the convenient store on my street.

I would like to ask a question: How the hell does anyone NOT get fat in college?
I haven't exercised in almost a month, although I do have to walk a whole lot. I have my car here, but even so, sometimes the closest place to park for my classes is still a couple of blocks away. Then I'll find myself driving from one parking garage to another just three blocks from the first. It's been a little cooler lately, but mostly it's just too damn hot to be outside very long.
Thursday, August 9th, 2007
6:18 pm
Damn, Chipotle and real Mexican restaurants have spoiled me! Taco Bell just doesn't cut it for me anymore, unless I want to get STUFFED for relatively cheap. And what Taco Bell has and a real restaurant doesn't is a handy calculator to tell me I just consumed 1830 calories of their food. A crunch wrap supreme, and two grilled stuft burritos. I didn't go their to get stuffed, just to tide my hunger over; but I got carried away when ordering. They didn't taste that good; nevertheless, I feel quite satisfied. : )
Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
6:48 pm
The internet feels lonely. Where is everyone? I've searched around and found little activity. Nobody on livejournal is posting much. If all of the activity has moved somewhere else, I'd like to know where that is. I'm getting a little annoyed with the state of things. I can find plenty of internet activity having to do with size acceptance, learning to love yourself, and dealing with everyday life being fat; but what I want to find is people talking about weight gain, fattening, and eating. I don't want support for accepting I am fat, I want support for my desire to get fat.

Anyway, much has happened since I last posted anything substantial. I recently returned from my trip to Disney World with Alexis and her family. Alexis is already off again to spend the last bit of summer in San Francisco. We had a spectacular time there, staying in the Dolphin resort. However, I don't want to spend the rest of the night describing our stay, so I'll just say what should be said: I ate until I was stuffed, and then some, at every meal. And, what I never did but should have noticed before: Alexis has gained weight. Maybe I never noticed it because I've spent so much time with her and seen her so frequently, but it hit one day when she was wearing a tight shirt and her belly spilled over her jeans when she was sitting. I distinctly remember the way Alexis looked wearing this outfit months ago when we were still in school. The shirt was not so tight then. It suddenly came to me, and I compared the difference between Alexis now and the way I remember her looking in the past. Of course, later that day when we slipped on our bathing suits it became very apparent. The fact that I caught her prodding and squeezing her fat was another clear indicator. But finally, two days later, it became a known fact. She saw that I had noticed her pinching her fat while we were sitting on a bench, so she came out and said, "I'm getting fat." I told her she wasn't. She argued, no, it's pretty obvious I am. This was followed by silence, as I didn't know what to say next. Finally, I ended the conversation when I said, "Maybe a little chubby. You look really good, though." She gave me a simple "thanks," and that was that. My thoughts came back to this brief conversation again and again. What amazed me most was how plainly she said, "I'm getting fat." Her tone was so matter-of-fact, completely disinterested. It was like she was merely offering an explanation to me for why she was touch her pudge. When she said it, she offered no hint that it bothered her or that she really cared. It was the equivalent of a shrug. It's like she said, "Hm, I'm getting fat... Oh well." It excited me quite a bit, because it sounds like she isn't going to put up any resistance; and of course, I wouldn't mind my friend being a little bigger.

Anyway, with all the food we ate, it's a given that we both gained some weight. The important thing on my part of the story is that I haven't exercised since I've been back home, nor do I plan on exercising for the rest of the summer. It's time for me to relax and be lazy. What's more, I really just want to gain weight!
Sunday, July 29th, 2007
11:34 pm
I know, I deleted my journal for a week... I'm back now, though. All is well, mostly. I'll write soon.
Thursday, July 19th, 2007
9:47 pm
A couple of hours ago I went out in my sport shorts, t-shirt, and tennis shoes to go work out. But I came right back home within 15 minutes. I had absolutely no motivation today! I'm not tired, though... just lazy. I went over to the gym without much interest in exercising, thinking I would just force myself into it and that I would enjoy it after awhile. But on my short drive there I also felt the desire to binge spring up suddenly. So, I stepped into the gym wanting to eat: I should have known it wouldn't last long. And it didn't - before I really even began to sweat, I quit and left.

It's funny, because I also kind of binged yesterday, although it wasn't in my plans. I started the day with a modest breakfast to save room for a lunch date with an old friend at P.F. Chang's. I stuffed myself there, finishing it off with a dessert. Later I went out with my parents to dinner. Along with plenty of chips and queso I had a plate of cheese enchiladas with rice and beans. Finally, a 2-3 hours after that, I went out to I-Hop with some friends. Since I'm always making excuses for myself to be a pig, I told them I was starving and hadn't eaten since lunch. So, I ate a whole plate of chocolate chip pancakes! (It's a lot easier to eat a bunch if you do it quickly and don't stand up at all until your finished - if you do this, you won't realize how freaking full you actually are until it has all been swallowed). While in bed last night, I thought about how much I had eaten that day. I realized I had spent about 5 hours of my day actively eating! That's a little less than 1/3 of my day!

And now... right now I have a dozen cupcakes, containing a little more than 400 calories each, sitting on a tray on the other side of my room. So, how many should I eat?
Thursday, July 12th, 2007
10:00 pm
I don't like big chairs... They make me feel small. I want to be able to fill the entire space of the chair I'm sitting in... and beyond.
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
1:04 pm
I used to be confused about my sexuality. I thought I liked boys all of my life, but a few years ago that simple preference was thrown out of orbit when I began to find myself attracted to other girls, always fat ones with bellies, and turned on by another female's weight gain. As I grew comfortable with it and because my primary interest in guys didn't change, I began saying I was bi-sexual, although only to myself. Over time I realized I was just confused, doing silly things while I was maturing. In the end I concluded, with full confidence, that I am heterosexual, because I really am, very definitely.

Recently I came to another conclusion about my sexuality: when it comes to certain things, my preference transcends my heterosexuality. For an example: Last week I was with Alexis at her house. After devouring tons of pizza and a large bowl of ice cream, Alexis proposed we bake some cookies, and this is after she already mentions how full she is. Alexis is one of people who will set down their plate, announcing they're too full to eat another bite, and minutes later reach for a heap of garlic bread from the ; the kind of person who will desirously eye the cake, wanting more, after eating a large piece. Of course, I'm one of people too! Maybe that's why Alexis and I get along so well. Anyway, we do bake cookies, it doesn't take very long, and they come out soon, delicious and ready to eat. As soon as they're cool enough to eat. Alexis proceeded to gobble down her half of the share with a glass or two of milk. She finished all of them by the time I had eaten 4! After that, she started to rub her stomach and complain about how stuffed she was. I started getting turned on watching an already stuffed Alexis inhale a dozen cookies, but by the time she was lying on her stomach, trying to make it stop hurting, I had to fight the desire to turn her over and massage her poor tummy.
The day after this, I went home with the butterflies in my stomach feeling of a crush. I grew terrified for a short while thinking I had a crush on my best friend. However, I calmed down, realizing I was just being silly and naive. When she and I met back up later that evening, my hypothesis was confirmed: I had no such feeling as having a crush on her. During this past week, though, I've been getting especially tickled watching Alexis eat. I've had fantasies and dreams of feeding her as well.

Therefore, I came to the conclusion that I like guys, but when it comes to bellies, eating, and weight gain my preferences goes beyond guys. In fact, I think it may even be increased. Although, I like guys, it seems I'm more attracted to weight gain and fat bodies of other fellow girls.

My summer has picked back up now that Alexis is back in town from Seattle. I'm pretty jealous of her this summer... She's already been on cruise and got to spend a week with a friend in Seattle. At the end of the summer, she will be spending like two weeks in San Franciso. However, later this month she's taking me to Disney World for a week! Other than that, I'm just staying at home all summer. If all goes well, I will get to see my cousin for a couple of days next week, though. My plans for today? I don't really have any, but I do want to go to the gym later. I haven't exercised much this week since I've been spending most of my time with Alexis almost daily.

Oh yeah, one more thing! I don't know what the average body type is considered to be these days, but I think we need to go ahead and declare it as being chubby. I visited Six Flags (an amusement park in case you didn't know) weeks ago. I was hard to find anyone without a considerable gut there! Looking back, I would think that if anyone frequently visited the park, they would have to be at least a little chubby, seeing how the only food we ate all day was pizza, ice cream, and funnel cake (lots of it, too). And now anytime I'm out in a public place with lots of people, like a mall for instance, it looks like everyone is pudgy!
Tuesday, June 19th, 2007
12:40 pm
You know what I love? I love the feeling of full cheeks; when my cheeks are so full of food that I can't even begin to speak. It feels especially good with soft foods like pie and cheesecake. I like to take the biggest bite I can so that my cheeks are stuffed and chubby; slowly chew it all; then let it slide down my throat.

And does anyone agree with me when I say cheesecake is undoubtably the most delicious food ever? I'll probably go have some tonight.
Friday, June 8th, 2007
10:57 pm
Help! I think I've literally turned into a sloth! I am now, however, sick of and disgusted with myself. Tomorrow, the first thing I do will be clean my room. There's nowhere left to walk, and my room has books, movies, paper, dirty clothes, dirty dishes, you name it, scattered all about it. It would be hard for anyone to imagine the extent to which I've been lazy. Let me paint a little picture to help give you an idea: imagine yourself watching FOUR full length movies all in one day, and devouring almost an entire carton of birthday cake ice cream, along with much other junk, while you're at it. That is precisely what I did with myself just a couple of days ago. If you would like to see a prime example of the two sins sloth and gluttony at hard work, just look at me this last week. All was going well this summer; I was active and exercising no less than 5 or 6 times a week, almost everyday. However, I was losing momentum, and it was becoming quite difficult for me to stop at one bowl of ice cream when making a 2nd is so easy. Then... one day I decided to relax as completely as possible. I also decided to go beyond that, and seeing how it had been ages since I last thoroughly stuffed myself, felt that I deserved a good binge. It was fun... a little too fun... I woke up the next day wishing that I could just do nothing once again, so then I thought, "Well, why not?" and proceeded to cook a large pancake breakfast for myself. One thing led to another, and thus began my week of hedonism. I sure hope cooking is considered a type of exercise, because it's the only kind I've done besides sit on my ass: breakfast burritos, pancakes, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, biscuits with jam and butter, grilled cheese, macaroni and cheese, cake, quesadillas, enchiladas, ravioli, lasagna, sundaes, pizza, and a variety of sandwiches. The day during which I watched 4 movies, I ate until I was sick. I even threw up! You think that would be my cue to stop. But no, that didn't stop me from stuffing myself the next couple of days. I slowed down today, though. I haven't also let my mind go completely to rot: I'm almost finished with my 2nd book this week!

I have been, truly, a lazy pig. Oh, I hate to admit it, but it would be a huge lie to say it hasn't been fun. It's been great; although, it is the kind of fun that wears one out, the kind that can't go on forever. The fun has not all come from eating. There's a point when the eating stops being fun, yet the pleasure of seeing my belly expand begins. With each bite I seem to grow hotter, more turned on. How weird... What is the psychology behind that? It's like I've mistaken food for a boy, and a pudgy belly for a penis. It makes me think that perhaps I could achieve the whole effect through one simple act (yes, now I have revealed to you the fact that I'm still a virgin).

Anyhow, tomorrow I'm going to get up and get going!

Okay, so what else is new with me...? Oh yes, since the summer began I have met with 4 of my old friends, all returning from their first years at four different colleges. As excited as I was to simply see my friends, I was almost more excited to see their newly formed guts, or in one case, their nicely expanded old one. 3 of the four put on at least a good 15 pounds while they were away. It's great to know that the whole freshman 15 thing isn't a myth. That gives me one more thing to look forward to when I go off to school, though I hope I gain much more than a mere 15 pounds. I've had this fantasy for awhile now in which I come back to see one of my old high school friends after 4 years of college to find them shocked and speechless at the sight of the new 300 pound me.

You know, I'm beginning to wonder what's been driving me so much to get fit and stay in shape when I'm only looking forward to how fat I'm going to get in college. I know being healthy is good and all, but, damn, I really want to be huge! Oh well, one day I will be, probably. It really doesn't matter that my dream (that sounds silly; don't get me wrong, that's not all I want out of life) is postponed temporarily; one day, surely, it will be realized, all in good time.

Okay, my tummy is currently full and happy from dinner. I am not hungry, so I am not going to eat tonight. (Okay, I admit, I'll probably have some milk and Oreos before going to bed. There's no harm there!).
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
4:46 pm
Okay, to start I have a simple recipe recommendation for everyone. This week my after school treat has consisted of one simple, yet delicious dish: vanilla bean ice cream topped with sliced bananas and almonds with warm caramel twirled all over. I think it might be even better if I could substitute the almonds for a thin, elegantly-styled cookie. I know just the kind I want, but haven't checked the store for them yet. Anyway, definitely try it!

Prom was this Saturday night at my school. As predicted, it was nothing special. Altogether, I had fun, though. The night begins with a nightmare of a crowd of parents all wanting lots of pictures of their darling children looking beautiful and handsome. Oh, and that was preceded, of course, by my mother taking what felt like hundreds of shots of me individually, in my gorgeous red dress. We suffered through their gross admiration and pride, until the 8 of us finally managed to escape into the limo. We were 4 couples; only one actually dating. I went with a friend as loose dates- we didn't stay together much once we actually arrived at Prom. The advantage, though, was that he paid for both my ticket and all of dinner, which wasn't at all cheap. Dinner ( which I feel I must speak of since it pertains to my usual theme and subject matter) was one of the most fun parts of the night actually. It feels great to walk in dressed all fancy-like and then to dine on expensive, delicious food. I didn't really eat anything all day long to ensure that I would be hungry for dinner. We had plenty of appetizers to start with, plus a terrific frothy, cream, coffee drink (basically a very fancy milkshake) that had some brandy or what not in it; but not any significant amount! (Don't make fun of me; I don't drink...) Our main courses were all gigantic. Regardless, I finished most of mine, as did the others. And for dessert I had the most rich, decadent piece of cake I think I have ever tasted. I'm just glad my dress was a little loose-fitted to allow room for my expansion.
At prom there was only minimal dancing. Neither my date nor I really knew how to dance. When we did it was only to the slower, more traditional music, and never the hip-hop, which seemed to be most of the music. My date stepped on my feet, but I tripped over my own shoes... so it was all good- a little embarrassing, but mostly just funny. A large part of prom seems to be made up of the giving and receiving of compliments. I received a ton, many I think were actually sincere; and of course, I returned them. The rest of prom was consumed by mostly conversation and gossip.
It ended at midnight, by our group carried through with our earlier plans and went to a cozy coffee shop for mochas and cheesecake. After that the limo dropped us all back off at my friends house where Alexis and I both declined an invitation to a party by our dates. Instead, we went over to her house and stayed up making pancakes while watching Happy Feet and Pride and Prejudice. (Can't you tell we're the real party kind of people?)

Alright! One more piece of thrilling information!
I was sitting around bored at lunch on Monday when I'm brought suddenly back into reality with the words, "Alex has gotten fat!" They come from the mouth of Jeremy, a boy who I am quite sure is gay. The conversation that follows is debate over the supposed weight gain of a boy named Alex. Some are critiquing him, some are defending him; some exaggerate, while others check the first group by agreeing that he has very noticeably put on some weight, but is by no means fat. From what I hear, the range of weight he has possibly gained seems to range between a few pounds up to 40! As I sit there listening, my heart begans to beat with excitement from hearing the news. Eventually the table comes to the consensus that Alex is getting "chunky."
Let me explain a little more. Alex is hot! Tall, dark, and beyond handsome; practically beautiful. He is, in my opinion (and also in the opinions of half the girls and jealous guys at my school), just about the hottest guy at our school. Maybe there is someone else hotter, but I can't remember whom. I hadn't seem in him in like half a year. I thought he had disappeared or something. I also don't really know him. We've said 'hi' in the halls a few times when passing, and he has done really kind little deeds for me before, such as whispering a few answers to me in Pre-Cal after I had been called upon by the teacher and had no clue what it was; thus giving me extra-credit points for participation which he could have received himself. Okay, long sentence- sorry. Anyway, long story short, I was itching to see him and see if all that they said was true. Over the last couple of days I have kept my eyes open, until today, as a teacher's aid he walked into my third period class to pick up some files...
All that they said was true! He was wearing a fitted bright blue polo shirt, and protruding underneath was the most delicious paunch; a pudgy belly pushing over his khaki pants! His face and cheeks were also looking softer as well. My god, he was so freaking hot! If only he were mine...
Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
6:16 pm
I don't mean to be slimming down, but I am! I have no scale, but my clothes are looser and I've had to tighten my belt a notch. It came as a complete surprise one morning after I pulled the belt through the loops; as I was fastening the buckle, it naturally slipped into the next hole. At least one person has noticed. Earlier this week someone told me that I looked different; I just shrugged; but then she asked if I had lost weight... I shrugged again and said, "No, I don't think so." I knew I had, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. For some reason I don't want people to notice.
Exercise, however, has improved much about me. It makes you feel good! I feel so satisfied after an intense work-out. I've received a couple of compliments on my appearances lately. I didn't understand what one of my friends meant when he said I've looked good as of late. Another one said the same, and she further explained that I just have this certain glow these days.
And not only this, but I am also becoming more health-concsious, I guess you might call it, when it comes to nutrition and eating. I'm trying to balance my meals with lots of things that are good for you, and not bog myself down with fats. It's all very positive actually. I'm drinking less soda, and eating less processed foods. I will no longer eat a lunch that consists of only a couple slices of pizza, three cookies, and a coke (I used to; it's the epitome of a healthy meal, right?). Sure I will sometimes, but not in the abscence of some good foods. For example, at lunch today I had a bowl of thai peanut noodles, green beans, a cup of yogurt, a baggie of trail mix with nuts and dried fruits, a few chocolate chip cookies (I don't even attempt to resist them), and a bottle of chocolate milk. Not only is the food healthier, it is also more fulfilling; usually a larger quantity than I used to eat, so I no longer leave lunch still feeling hungry like I used to. The lunch keeps me fuller longer and works well with our exercise routine.
Although I restrict my eating to healthy foods and a more controlled diet during the week, I'm setting aside the weekend for whatever I want.

Whoa, that was a lot... What else is new? I don't know. Oh, prom is this weekend! Alright, later!
Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
8:19 pm
It's been some time since I last posted anything, but I do still exist. Thriving and doing well, actually. I haven't written anything on here because I haven't felt like there has been anything to write. Well, that's not true entirely; I've just been pretty lazy. I haven't written anything on here, or in my diary, or anywhere else; and I'm starting to slack on my school work... It's the last leg of my senior year! It's hard to stay focused and care.
My workouts and exercise with Alexis is going well. We can both work longer periods without tiring than we could when we started, and it hurts less. I've actually used some weight machines, to help add a little muscle, or I think some might call, definition, right? Alexis and I both have more strength in our legs, though; our arms, hers more than mine, were pretty pathetic. Though I am bigger/fatter/whatever, and, as one would normally assume, should be more out of shape, I am able to persevere and stick with things a lot better than she.
One of the difficult problems we've been trying to solve is the problem of eating: Sometimes we can go workout immediately after school, but sometimes we both feel famished after not eating anything since lunch and therefore lacking energy. So, sometimes we eat before hand, but that can make us feel sluggish. If we're not hungry beforehand that is, of course, no problem: we either go out to eat together afterwards or go home to dinner. I think we need to work towards having a snack after school, so that we have energy to exercise, and then having dinner later. Lol, our problem is that both of us are the type of person that cannot easily settle for just a little snack. Oh well, we're starting to get things under control. However, as I might have said before, we're not dieting; so no limitations of food, or eating only special foods. As a result we are put into funny situations. We will just have finished working hard and sweating our asses off, but will soon afterwards find ourselves at Sonic eating a cheeseburger, mozzarella sticks, and a milkshake. Ha, I sit there silently laughing inside at how counter-productive it is to our exercise.
Sunday, April 8th, 2007
6:11 pm
So, what's everyone up to today? I'm interested in hearing about everyone's Easter. Did anyone go to church? Anyone actually celebrating the religious side of it? I'm not even Chrisian, and I don't think my parents ever give it much thought, so today is mostly just another day for us. A fun day, though! My mom gave me a basket full of candy, and this morning, we (my parents and I) all cooked a late brunch together! It was weird, but the way the three of us looked all at once cooking something in the kitchen was so cute that I had to take pictures. I made regular and chocolate chip pancakes and hash browns, my mom cooked the bacon and the bisuits, and my dad scrambled the eggs and also went to the store (before my mom and I were up) to get some pastries, cheese, and salsa in case we wanted to make breakfast burritos out of what we had, which we did. Saying all that, I think it's a given that I ate a lot, no? Mmm, t'was all so delicious! And I'll be having the same thing for dinner tonight (leftovers), and probably for breakfast tomorrow. It took me hours to recoup before I could eat some of my candy. I am at this moment, though, nibbling on a "Reester Bunny" (Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Bunny). Damnit! Now my dad needs me to go to the store to pick up some meatballs or something... so he can make dinner, which I am not going to eat! because I plan on having breakfast food. Okay, so I have to go do that. Goodbye for now!
Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
7:34 pm
So, Alexis and I have already worked out together 4 times. It's pretty fun! Phew, we are both so out of shape though. It should get easier as we go on, so that's good. It hurts, aches, and burns; and leaves you sore and breathless; but it also just feels really good {and works up a huge appetite ;) }. I'm excited to be starting my journey to a healthier me: a Megan both fat and fit. And I know it can be done, both fat and fit, that is. I know of a number of girls at my school who are both curvy and superfluous, and also run track, or swim, or play some other sport. My tennis game is way off, but is coming back quickly; and Alexis also isn't too bad. We've tried tread mills and other work out equipment, but so far our preferred exercise is walking and tennis. We laugh at the way we pant after a match, and the at the fact that our conversation is broken and our words rushed due to lack of breath from an activity as low energy-level as walking. I think our goal is achieve a fitness level at which we would be able to walk briskly and still have smooth, flowing conversation.
Well, I'm probably only going to bore anyone who reads this talking about work-outs and exercise... Y'all would rather hear about my trips to Starbucks, or how my work-out shirt likes to ride up and expose my jiggly belly. Maybe some other time. Later.
Monday, March 26th, 2007
6:07 pm
I came off of my diet yesterday, of which I was on for about 20 days. I'm proud of myself! I didn't think it was bad at all! And you know, I don't actually know how much weight I lost, since I don't have a scale at home, but I know that I did lose quite a bit. I could actually notice and feel myself shrinking! It pretty funny: I broke it with a McDonald's Quarter Pounder cheeseburger and large fries, with a Starbucks venti Chai Frappucino Blended Creme, followed by a brownie. Healthy stuff!
Alexis and I were supposed to start our exercise sessions together today... but it's been drizzling and wet all day so we had to postpone it. Our plan was to go to her neighborhood tennis courts and play. She, from what I hear, isn't great but has played before; and I used to be quite good, but haven't really played in a couple of years. I should be rusty, but we decided it would be a good way for us to exercise, and that I could teach her and bring her up to my level, which is hopefully still high. She hates running, so we probably won't be doing any of that, but we've also decided that walks would be good, maybe what is called "power-walking". And not only this, but near her neighborhood's tennis courts is also a gym with all sorts of equipment. That makes me really glad because I hear it's never crowded and sometimes even empty; a lot better than one of those mammoth gyms, like Gold's Gym or something. It would be mortifying to work out in one of those. So, we'll definitely take advantage of her neighborhood's workout room.

Um yeah, so what else is new?...
Um, I don't know, so later!
Saturday, March 17th, 2007
1:31 am
So, Alexis broke the diet. She broke it and left me in the dark, still dieting, for a couple of days. I felt a little betrayed at first, but hardly; mostly just glad that she's having a good time. She has been down in Mexico, somewhere near Cancun. The resort she's staying at is what she called "all-inclusive." All-inclusive means her family paid one big price at the beginning and now have unlimited access to anything around the resort; they don't have to worry about paying for anything again; it basically gives you the feel that everything is free. The resort has like 5 restaurants, one all-you-can-eat (well, if you think about, all of the restaurants are all-you-can-eat: it's pretty much just an all-you-can-eat resort) buffet, and also a huge 24-hour snack bar. Do I even need to explain why Lexi broke her diet? She did resist for one day... but now I'm glad she's having a fun time pigging out. Maybe she'll even forget this stupid diet! I've realized that a lot of my stress over weight and body issues has probably been partially caused by her and her random attacks of really poor body-image. I'm going to make that one of my goals: to improve Alexis' body-image.

Anyway, I'm still dieting. I just want to prove something to myself; there's no other reason really. I just want to prove to myself that I can do it.
Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
1:48 pm
See, part of me wants to diet, and the other part doesn't. There's something about being 200 pounds at the age of 18 that scares me. It doesn't seem like too much to me until I also take into consideration how young I still am. Maybe I should allow myself 10 lbs per year; for example, 200 lbs at 20 years, 210 lbs at 21, 220 lbs at 22, etc... I want to be fat! Having huge hips, a wide butt, thick thighs, plump arms and breasts, and a folding belly full of rolls, and doing little but sitting around pigging out on cake, pizza and ice cream all day long sounds like heaven to me. And every pound or layer of fat I've gained in the past has given me great pleasure and joy. I love being chubby/fat, but I often hate the fact that I like it. I wish that I could be normal. I've asked myself before if my desires are immoral or wrong, but found no answers. Then, I discovered that something is wrong if it is something bad that can be changed. My attraction and desires are not though. Since I can remember I've liked all things fat. I don't know why I'm so attracted to bigger people, and desire a bigger self, or why weight gain excites me so much. I know that it can't be changed though. I can either push it down, ignore my true interests, convince myself it's bad, and struggle with it; or accept it, and let myself be free and happy, and fat. (Ugh, the word fat annoys me- it doesn't express the beauty that I see it as). See, I'm also worried that I won't be happy. I want to be huge... but I also want to live a normal life. I don't know how well the two go together. I guess a lot of my fear comes from my ignorance of what it might be like. I wish I could talk to someone and see what life is like at 300 or 400 lbs... Eh, I have to go right now. Later!
Monday, March 12th, 2007
7:33 pm
You know what I really want to do right now? I want to go out with some friends! But I don't have any friends! They've all left me for spring break. Even Alexis is gone... so sad. We've basically been attached at the hips this last month; I feel incomplete without her. Now I have nothing to do but sit around... and get fat(ter). But no! Now I can't even do that! because I- oh, you guys are going to hate me for this- because I'm technically on a... diet... eek! Well, now you know the truth. Alexis kept bugging me and bugging me, and I finally gave in. Don't be too concerned, though. I only see it as a temporary set back. Like I said once before: it's only more weight I get to gain back. And it's not like Alexis and I didn't have our fun pigging out before the diet. But for now our time of trips to McDonalds once or twice a week and our random cheesecake splurges (God, cheesecake is the best!) is over. I surprised myself with how much I can eat the day before we began our diets. We went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch, and since I had woken up early and had nothing to eat all day, I was starving. I ate multiple slices of bread and butter, 3 pieces of eggroll, a green tea smoothie, the entire bowl of pasta, and a big piece of cheesecake! all in one sitting!

Well, I'll stay in touch... let y'all know if I break or give in to temptation anytime.
Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
7:41 pm
Here is an awesome story:

German convicted of stealing buffet for 60 people
Tue Feb 27, 2007 10:33AM EST

BERLIN (Reuters) - A jobless German has been handed a five-month suspended jail term for stealing a buffet for 60 people and eating it with friends, authorities said on Tuesday.

Using a false name, the 46-year-old from the western city of Dortmund ordered the 3,700-euro ($4,890) feast to be sent to the club house of a garden allotment colony.

Shortly after the caterers delivered the food, he called the company to say they had made a mistake and he would return the order. As puzzled club house guests looked on, he loaded the buffet into his car and sped off.

The food was never seen again -- but the man was recognized one day by one of the club house guests, who told the police, the presiding judge at the court in Dortmund said.

The man said he wanted to treat his friends to something special," said Judge Gerhard Breuer. "I told him his story would make a good movie." As well as receiving a suspended jail term, the man must repay his debt to the caterer, the court ruled.

© Reuters 2007. All rights reserved.
Saturday, February 24th, 2007
6:06 pm
A lot of the time I think that I eat pretty normally and healthily. I'd like to get others' opinions, though. Okay here's an example of what I ate from the other day:

Breakfast: One bowl of cornflakes with banana slices.
Lunch: One bowl of pasta salad, a ziplock bag of trailmix, a chunk of cornbread, an apple, and a bottle of chocolate milk.
Dinner: A bowl of ravioli, a bowl of salad, several slices of bread dipped in olive oil, a small plate of cheese and crackers, a cup of yogurt, and a glass of juice.

What do y'all think? In comparison to others do my meals seem large? What about my selection? Do I have a pretty healthy variety?
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